Friday, January 9, 2009

People of Subway...

Yes...the one in Thousand Oaks, near my office. A few helpful hints from fellow patrons (and, probably, employees):

  • Volume control is appreciated requested: There are others here. No, we don't care what you have to say. No, you really aren't that important. I realize our request has nothing to do with you, and this certainly doesn't apply to you because, really, who could be critical of YOU? I can...and I'm not alone. Shut up. Seriously.
  • If you are ordering more than four sandwiches, call ahead: It's really admirable that you would offer to order/pick up lunch for your whole office, but when said office is 10 people, it really just clogs up the line and pisses off the "sandwich artists." Call ahead. Pick up on site. Not that difficult.
    • SIDE NOTE: EIGHT (8) is more than four. Yes, you...lady in front of me who ordered eight sandwiches.
    • ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: An even more detestable variation of this (and combination of the first point) is you, lady on the cell phone who is ordering numerous sandwiches, shouting at the top of your lungs. Your kid is obnoxious and should be reprimanded, but that's on your time. The idiots on the phone who can't figure out what they want on their sandwich or in life should go hungry. You are a wasteland and nothing more than an irritation that is overmatched by life.
  • If you are so in love with each other that you cannot go 30 seconds without making out with/groping/dry humping each other, please do not go in public: If you do find it necessary to go in public, please do not do so in an establishment in which food is served. Restaurant patrons would like to keep their appetites, and the restaurant owners would like people not to associate their establishment with experiences that can be described as vomit-inducing. Good alternative venues for you would be busy freeways or train tracks. Seriously, people. Have some decency.
I love Subway. I love my $5 footlong sandwiches. I love a vast majority of my brethren Subway patrons. The rest of you, who fall into these bullet point categories, suck.


  1. Or these people:

    Sandwich artiste: "What kind of cheese do you want?" (gesturing clearly to the three clearly different types of cheeses offered behind the counter)
    Customer, staring intently at the cheese: "What do you have?"
    Artiste: "We have three. Pepperjack, Cheddar or American."
    (Customer blinks): "Ummm...both."

  2. "gesturing clearly to the three clearly different types" can tell I'm in torts and not paying attention to my good grammarz