the quality or state of being clear: lucidity
Well, since "the quality or state of being clear" is a sucky definition that leverages the root word to define the derivative, let's go with "lucidity"
1: clearness of thought or style (there's that damn "clear" word again)
2: : a presumed capacity to perceive the truth directly and instantaneously: clairvoyance
Well since I am definitely not clairvoyant, and I could pretty much give a rat's ass about "style," let's go with the "clearness of thought" definition.
Two words you don't see anywhere in that definition are "smoke" and "stars," but they both factored prominently into the hour I stood outside tonight trying to refocus. Romeo y Julietas are amazing and apparently lead to the kind of serene relaxation that drives contemplation. It seemed strangely apropos that I could stand out on my porch here in Ventura and see stars, and then some things started to make sense.
One of the major problems I have had in the last month plus is that I feel like I haven't stopped. I haven't been home for a weekend. Sometimes it was for factors beyond control, and to be fair, all the time it was with some of the most important people in my life. But the fact of the matter is, that I wasn't home. I was either in locations where I couldn't see the stars or didn't stop to look at them. Both of which are problems but raise a couple important points.
1. I think of this place as home. This is a credit to the laid back environment in both the city and the apartment. My
2. I like seeing the stars. I grew up in a place where I couldn't, so I never really thought about it before, but tonight I decided I really like it.
3. Even when I was places I could see them, I didn't stop to do it. This is perhaps the most disconcerting part of the whole thing. Something as simple as taking a minute to myself was something that I let get buried and lost. For a guy fighting burnout, that's pretty stupid.
I love my family and friends, and I am happy to put them before myself. But in the process, I'm realizing that I've lost sight of myself in a way. Happiness is nebulous, fleeting and difficult to pin down without some sort of roadmap. How do you develop that roadmap without some sort of introspective lucidity to give you direction? I don't know how, but I do know that the first step is coming to this realization.
This is the realization I came to...at home...looking at the stars in silent lucidity.